dear diary I'm back
Mar. 23rd, 2020 08:30 pmHello friends, I haven't lj'd in a while and thought.... it's a momentous March, why not?
At the end of Feb, I lost my job (fired in retaliation for noting my concern about whether our health leave policy met legal requirements? and for organizing outside of work hours? My lawyer is on it); within 2 weeks, COVID-19 hit the area, and now three weeks later I don't even have to do my work-search certification for my unemployment, because my state declared a state of emergency AND the labor market is fucked because as of today all not-necessary businesses were closed. I mean there's still remote work and other stuff to do, and maybe I'll become a necessary-business-worker before this is all over, but my partner and I have a new three-month lease we just started, and if we don't both have jobs by the time it's up, we'll have to figure something else out. shrug!
so yeah I'm anxious up the wazoo, and my parents are relatively chill but they're on the other side of the country, and I'd be down to shelter in place but 1) I have to move in 2 days (1 day? the day after tomorrow!), 2) everyone else I've ever been friends with wants to socialize on phone or online and believe it or not this is a little too much socialization for me, 3) being unemployed sucks and I have to figure out something else to do, like become a Zoom tutor online or idk. Actually, that's not a bad idea.
Maybe once I have something to do earning-money-wise I can get back to writing and fibercraft, but right now I'm just too anxious, overwhelmed, having to plan real life survival stuff, to be creative. There may be two weddings I'll miss, but since my St Louis church has gone to livestreaming from home I've gotten emailed an invite to sing something a capella for them, and listening to my pastor's sermons again is lovely. If everything goes to shit I'm ready to pack it all in my car and drive to my parents or my partner's parents' homes.
ANyway my current fandoms are The Untamed, I'm obsessed with Jiang Cheng and of course Wangxian otp (but also WEN QING/YANLI OTP, Jiangcest and Jiang Cheng/WWX helllla OTP >___>), and I'm in a Castlevania threesome fic reading jag, and did you know TGCF is such a good novel omg please read it!?!?, I'm learning Mandarin Chinese on duolingo, I knit now and finished my first sweater last week, I have a loom I made out of a big wooden picture frame from goodwill, I have a LOT of yarn and several patterns to try, and like 3 The Untamed WIPs of my own plus 4 more (including ABO BJYX ur wlcm) with tdogg and callowyn. AMA? :))
At the end of Feb, I lost my job (fired in retaliation for noting my concern about whether our health leave policy met legal requirements? and for organizing outside of work hours? My lawyer is on it); within 2 weeks, COVID-19 hit the area, and now three weeks later I don't even have to do my work-search certification for my unemployment, because my state declared a state of emergency AND the labor market is fucked because as of today all not-necessary businesses were closed. I mean there's still remote work and other stuff to do, and maybe I'll become a necessary-business-worker before this is all over, but my partner and I have a new three-month lease we just started, and if we don't both have jobs by the time it's up, we'll have to figure something else out. shrug!
so yeah I'm anxious up the wazoo, and my parents are relatively chill but they're on the other side of the country, and I'd be down to shelter in place but 1) I have to move in 2 days (1 day? the day after tomorrow!), 2) everyone else I've ever been friends with wants to socialize on phone or online and believe it or not this is a little too much socialization for me, 3) being unemployed sucks and I have to figure out something else to do, like become a Zoom tutor online or idk. Actually, that's not a bad idea.
Maybe once I have something to do earning-money-wise I can get back to writing and fibercraft, but right now I'm just too anxious, overwhelmed, having to plan real life survival stuff, to be creative. There may be two weddings I'll miss, but since my St Louis church has gone to livestreaming from home I've gotten emailed an invite to sing something a capella for them, and listening to my pastor's sermons again is lovely. If everything goes to shit I'm ready to pack it all in my car and drive to my parents or my partner's parents' homes.
ANyway my current fandoms are The Untamed, I'm obsessed with Jiang Cheng and of course Wangxian otp (but also WEN QING/YANLI OTP, Jiangcest and Jiang Cheng/WWX helllla OTP >___>), and I'm in a Castlevania threesome fic reading jag, and did you know TGCF is such a good novel omg please read it!?!?, I'm learning Mandarin Chinese on duolingo, I knit now and finished my first sweater last week, I have a loom I made out of a big wooden picture frame from goodwill, I have a LOT of yarn and several patterns to try, and like 3 The Untamed WIPs of my own plus 4 more (including ABO BJYX ur wlcm) with tdogg and callowyn. AMA? :))
WHOA HEY DW
Sep. 16th, 2015 10:38 pmit's been ages but it seems some stancest fans have moved from tumblr
I wish I could say that the reason I'm posting is to talk about my life to my dear friends or even just in a journal space... because I was thinking of doing that... but no tbh it's for my new incest ship. so it goes. it me, friends, it me.
BUT IT'LL BE NICE IF I ACTUALLY CHECK DREAMWIDTH YEAH HEY GUYS ILU <333
I wish I could say that the reason I'm posting is to talk about my life to my dear friends or even just in a journal space... because I was thinking of doing that... but no tbh it's for my new incest ship. so it goes. it me, friends, it me.
BUT IT'LL BE NICE IF I ACTUALLY CHECK DREAMWIDTH YEAH HEY GUYS ILU <333
graphics for that poem I wrote
Aug. 15th, 2014 03:19 pmI posted these graphics to tumblr this week - haha, they took me forever, I guess right before school is the perfect time to finish them.
biggish (500px wide, 750ish tall) images behind the cut
text: "The Year of Goodbyes"
( 7 pretty big images of The Year of Goodbyes )
biggish (500px wide, 750ish tall) images behind the cut
text: "The Year of Goodbyes"
( 7 pretty big images of The Year of Goodbyes )
fic roundup (Pacific Rim, The Blacklist)
Jun. 12th, 2014 07:56 pmI've written a couple things in the past few months and I haven't posted them here! I'm going to link to Ao3 because I'm a monster and don't feel like formatting anything...
here be sibling incest, m/m/f threesome, and het femdom!
Pacific Rim
Keep Your Head
Raleigh Becket/Yancy Becket
NC-17
16k
When the Beckets start drift training to be pilots, the drift hangover takes a lot of adjusting to. Yancy's happy to help Raleigh out with a few extra touches, some co-sleeping, but none of it helps them get back to normal. They're getting too close for Yancy's comfort, but when Yancy attempts to Raleigh him away, Raleigh won't let him.
Share Alike
Mako Mori/Raleigh Becket/Yancy Becket
NC-17
1800 words
Raleigh is the center of attention. (Total PWP, for Porn Battle prompts "sharing" and "spread out")
Slipstream
Raleigh Becket/Yancy Becket
R? NC-17?
1400 words
Ghost drifting with morning wood turns into something of a joint effort. Written for the porn battle prompts "ghost drifting, shower, give in"
The Blacklist
A Professional Favor
Liz Keen/Donald Ressler
NC-17
4300 words
PWP. Liz finds Don unable to sleep at the hotel bar, and decides she can help him work out his tension when his domme doesn't show up. D/s and pain play, shoes, restraints, femdom.
here be sibling incest, m/m/f threesome, and het femdom!
Pacific Rim
Keep Your Head
Raleigh Becket/Yancy Becket
NC-17
16k
When the Beckets start drift training to be pilots, the drift hangover takes a lot of adjusting to. Yancy's happy to help Raleigh out with a few extra touches, some co-sleeping, but none of it helps them get back to normal. They're getting too close for Yancy's comfort, but when Yancy attempts to Raleigh him away, Raleigh won't let him.
Share Alike
Mako Mori/Raleigh Becket/Yancy Becket
NC-17
1800 words
Raleigh is the center of attention. (Total PWP, for Porn Battle prompts "sharing" and "spread out")
Slipstream
Raleigh Becket/Yancy Becket
R? NC-17?
1400 words
Ghost drifting with morning wood turns into something of a joint effort. Written for the porn battle prompts "ghost drifting, shower, give in"
The Blacklist
A Professional Favor
Liz Keen/Donald Ressler
NC-17
4300 words
PWP. Liz finds Don unable to sleep at the hotel bar, and decides she can help him work out his tension when his domme doesn't show up. D/s and pain play, shoes, restraints, femdom.
SPN poem - The year of goodbyes
Apr. 14th, 2014 11:40 pmThe year of goodbyes
We came from a village where we were all torches.
I carried you from one house to another,
the heat of you crackling in my hand.
Everyone told me to be afraid. I told you I wasn't.
I touched you anyway.
This winter is the hardest winter I’ve known.
My gloves are too cold to warm my hands,
your fire long gone from the herringbone shroud.
You are a long way away. I hope you are remembering me.
I will be here when you remember me.
They gave me this lighter. They gave me a mission,
a good engine, mountains in my brain.
They gave me your needle eyes, your long fingers.
They gave us time and the courage to defy them,
taste for meat, lungs for smoke, love of rain.
You were buried in mud. I tried to unearth you.
The voice I heard was very quiet. I thought,
you can't think I am equal to this. I thought,
there must be a reason for me to lose you.
A good reason. I gave up on goodness.
There were no maps for my desperation.
I held a mirror to my youth, cut off
the last years of my life. Relied on blind turns.
I made us a language of what we’ve already said
but the world has changed. We have no good words.
Unable to take us back or let you down gently,
I am putting my hands into your fire. It’s not
that I want to die; I want to prove we’ve lived,
to tear up unanswered questions, to be intractable,
except under your hands, at the end of the line
where you touch me despite everything.
This time I say the right things
to your warm body, my hands scorched
by your breathing. Everyone tells me to be afraid.
I tell you I’m not. I touch you anyway.
--
This is a wincest poem :) I posted this on![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
redredwords but forgot to post it to my main journal. Woops.
I started this more than years ago as a SPN poem, and it still is, and I still want to make graphics and put this text on them, but I figured it took me so long to write this poem I might as well post it in its entirety first to say it's done because I won't work on it anymore XD And I have already done two stanza graphics tonight, but there are still 5 more! Who even knows if this would see the light of day, then! I am not that great at graphics, friends! I have a dream of making gifs but oh god my gifs always look terrible.
many thanks to![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
animus_wyrmis for looking this over ohhh sayyyy about a year ago! and her invaluable feedback and encouragement! :D even for my incest poetry!
I will post the graphics when I finish them :) I am determined to, despite my greatly deteriorated visual recall.
We came from a village where we were all torches.
I carried you from one house to another,
the heat of you crackling in my hand.
Everyone told me to be afraid. I told you I wasn't.
I touched you anyway.
This winter is the hardest winter I’ve known.
My gloves are too cold to warm my hands,
your fire long gone from the herringbone shroud.
You are a long way away. I hope you are remembering me.
I will be here when you remember me.
They gave me this lighter. They gave me a mission,
a good engine, mountains in my brain.
They gave me your needle eyes, your long fingers.
They gave us time and the courage to defy them,
taste for meat, lungs for smoke, love of rain.
You were buried in mud. I tried to unearth you.
The voice I heard was very quiet. I thought,
you can't think I am equal to this. I thought,
there must be a reason for me to lose you.
A good reason. I gave up on goodness.
There were no maps for my desperation.
I held a mirror to my youth, cut off
the last years of my life. Relied on blind turns.
I made us a language of what we’ve already said
but the world has changed. We have no good words.
Unable to take us back or let you down gently,
I am putting my hands into your fire. It’s not
that I want to die; I want to prove we’ve lived,
to tear up unanswered questions, to be intractable,
except under your hands, at the end of the line
where you touch me despite everything.
This time I say the right things
to your warm body, my hands scorched
by your breathing. Everyone tells me to be afraid.
I tell you I’m not. I touch you anyway.
--
This is a wincest poem :) I posted this on
redredwords but forgot to post it to my main journal. Woops.I started this more than years ago as a SPN poem, and it still is, and I still want to make graphics and put this text on them, but I figured it took me so long to write this poem I might as well post it in its entirety first to say it's done because I won't work on it anymore XD And I have already done two stanza graphics tonight, but there are still 5 more! Who even knows if this would see the light of day, then! I am not that great at graphics, friends! I have a dream of making gifs but oh god my gifs always look terrible.
many thanks to
animus_wyrmis for looking this over ohhh sayyyy about a year ago! and her invaluable feedback and encouragement! :D even for my incest poetry!I will post the graphics when I finish them :) I am determined to, despite my greatly deteriorated visual recall.
Merlin vid nostalgia hour!
Dec. 8th, 2013 07:13 pm![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif){kind=small}
gold_bluepoint is writing her final paper for her Arthur class right now, and hearing her talk about it made me remember a few of my favorite Merlin vids. How is it I can remember 4 stellar vids from Merlin fandom but very few SPN fics? Something to do with the sheer volume of enjoyable SPN stuff I consumed. While Merlin vids are a smaller niche.Anyway, a trip down memory lane. Great music, great vids.
Red - song: Red, by Elbow; vid by
obsessive24. Arthur-centric (Merlin/Arthur too but hey it's s1 - maybe some s2?? I forget - so everything kinda was.) This was one of the first vids I remember being hella impressed by - I hadn't seen any remarkable ones before somehow. And I love the song for Arthur and how even here at the beginning of his journey, you can see his unfortunate future coming, how the good things now are kinda too good to last.Unsteady Ground - song: Unsteady Ground, by Catherine Feeny; vid by
cherryice. Morgana. the streaming links are broken ;_; but the download link lives! The way it's framed within Morgana's waking-up and the title is an exciting way of reminding the viewer of the palimpsest of Arthurian myth and its stories; the lyrics about Bush-administration issues and politics and the Iraq war, over Uther's executions and our main characters' stays in the dungeons - I always loved the regime/revolution allegory of the Pendragons.Surrender - song: Close, by Telepopmusik; vid by
newkidfan. Merlin/Will and Merlin/Arthur. Las recced this one and oh man, what a great song. What exciting editing. I HELLA SHIPPED THEM ugh childhood friiieeenndssss! The small version on the streamplayer is still there, but I remember there being one with better resolution.Make Something Good - song: Make SOmething Good, by Laura Viers; vid by sweetestdrain. Gwen-centric? Wyrm showed me this one, oh my goddddd this song is so **___** and about Arthuriana and these young young versions in Merlin I JUST AAAHHH. The author says it's Merlin/Arthur/Gwen but I'm reading it more like Gwen/everyone. The video just shows how much love she gives and I slkjsadfl aaaahhhhh Gweeennnnn
PS I know I am not posting much anymore, but I check lj almost daily! I just never feel like I have anything to post about. Though I may be looking for a fic bingo card after the holidays and poetry applications - so beginning of January. I'm writing some very slowly right now and would like to find an excuse just to pound ficlets out.
Hey guys, I'm leaving in... 5 hours... on a jet plane. So this is hiatus. I'm going to be gone on vacation in a foreign country without my laptop for a month. If you have stuff you need! (or just want :) )to tell me, email me at zorrosuchil at gmail and I'll try to get back to you - but it will prob not happen quickly or reliably. I'll be traveling a lot with v. unpredictable internet access, and with my mom so there will be less alone time for internetting.
I am super sad I won't get to obsessively stalk my inbox for bigbang comments ;) I promise, when I get back in August, I will be soooo happy to respond to you!
Think good thoughts about travel safety for me and I will bring you back many pictures of beautiful things and hopefully some writing too!!! that is my goal, I brought 4 different mostly-blank notebooks but have few non-shitty pens, ahahaha.
<333333
I am super sad I won't get to obsessively stalk my inbox for bigbang comments ;) I promise, when I get back in August, I will be soooo happy to respond to you!
Think good thoughts about travel safety for me and I will bring you back many pictures of beautiful things and hopefully some writing too!!! that is my goal, I brought 4 different mostly-blank notebooks but have few non-shitty pens, ahahaha.
<333333
Z
yipe yipe yipe
May. 20th, 2013 01:39 amMy going-to-bed problem returns with the SPN finale and Elementary finale and the summer weather and later light and
idk
lack of self-discipline
( boring chronological list of stuff I have to do and how I feel so not on top of it )
This list is totally boring to all of you I'm sure but I haven't even taken the time to try to organize myself verbally till now, and it's clearly kinda necessary :/. I went to Anime Central this weekend, an anime con, it was crazy huge and super fun and I will post about things later (doujinshi lolomg! the awesome number of cas/meg cosplays (2)! the prodigal son parable at church today and how I was so tired all I could do was relate it to SPN!)
or maybe I will not post about things, but I would like to, and it could still happen!
Now I'm going to stop sabotaging myself and go to bed. <3
idk
lack of self-discipline
( boring chronological list of stuff I have to do and how I feel so not on top of it )
This list is totally boring to all of you I'm sure but I haven't even taken the time to try to organize myself verbally till now, and it's clearly kinda necessary :/. I went to Anime Central this weekend, an anime con, it was crazy huge and super fun and I will post about things later (doujinshi lolomg! the awesome number of cas/meg cosplays (2)! the prodigal son parable at church today and how I was so tired all I could do was relate it to SPN!)
or maybe I will not post about things, but I would like to, and it could still happen!
Now I'm going to stop sabotaging myself and go to bed. <3
real life is OVERRATED, fanfic calls.
Apr. 4th, 2013 12:32 aminsert here: post about my busy life that is way too busy for an introvert like me
who has at least 12k of bigbang to plot and make sense of and write by the end of the month
and, like, book club and church and Salon and FEEDING MYSELF?? regretting book club and salon tbh
AREN'T THESE NORMAL THINGS A NORMAL PERSON COULD HANDLE
no sorry shutting up, I am just overtired right now, I'm irrational.
PS please god give me an apartment for June 15th!
who has at least 12k of bigbang to plot and make sense of and write by the end of the month
and, like, book club and church and Salon and FEEDING MYSELF?? regretting book club and salon tbh
AREN'T THESE NORMAL THINGS A NORMAL PERSON COULD HANDLE
no sorry shutting up, I am just overtired right now, I'm irrational.
PS please god give me an apartment for June 15th!
new fandom horizons??
Apr. 1st, 2013 11:20 pmSo, I've had an epiphany, if you will, since I started going to church against recently - I really should stop immersing myself in the darkness of monsters and demons and codependency, and start focusing on the real message of salvation in Supernatural fandom: heaven and the angels. And I just don't know if I can work on such a dark and morally twisted work like Sam/Dean for spn_j2_bigbang. It's going to be really difficult for me to grow closer to God if I'm focusing on something that is like really obviously sinful, right? I think a more fitting pairing for my feelings would be Dean/Castiel. The Righteous Man thing, obviously, is such a big part of Dean's characterization and the fact that Castiel put his hand on his shoulder and marked him for God is a characterization point I've been ignoring for too long. I never wanted to explore their profound bond before, but I'm sort of having a born-again experience, and I really think that means immersing myself in fandom's most profound relationship between the holy and the human.
Since I can't manage to shake Sam as my favorite character, I wanted to get into this pairing the way he might get into it - so I'm trying to work through it in fic. Let me know what you think? I'm kind of new to this.
(set in current canon - post 8.18)
"Castiel," Sam says, as the bartender brings them their beers, "I wanted to talk to you about Dean."
( Castiel looks immediately uncomfortable. )
-
Hmmm. This might need a little work.
Since I can't manage to shake Sam as my favorite character, I wanted to get into this pairing the way he might get into it - so I'm trying to work through it in fic. Let me know what you think? I'm kind of new to this.
(set in current canon - post 8.18)
"Castiel," Sam says, as the bartender brings them their beers, "I wanted to talk to you about Dean."
( Castiel looks immediately uncomfortable. )
-
Hmmm. This might need a little work.
I know it's been a while, but remember the midseason hiatus? When Dean faked that text message to Sam, and Sam went back to see Amelia, and realized it was a trick, and Sam and Dean were really mad at each other?
This fic takes place after that hiatus, and basically goes AU from there. I wrote the first draft of it as a Christmas gift for my dear gfgold_bluepoint, who had been feeling down about Dean's characterization and depression in the last few seasons, and particularly how scary unrelatable off the rails he seemed at the beginning of this season. So I wrote her some Dean POV domestic wincest, because at this point in the show, even before the bunker, it was clear that the logical arc was for Sam to seduce Dean into believing that he, too, could rest from the hunting life and settle down etc.
So I wrote what the heart wanted.
But I'm talking too much.
The title is from this poem, Ruins:
This year will take from me
the hardened person
who I longed to be.
I am healing by mistake.
Rome is also built on ruins.
Rome Was Also Built on Ruins
Sam/Dean
NC-17
15,400 words
AU from 8.09 Citizen Fang. Spans pre-S8 to aftermath of 8.09.
Dean is messed up. Sam needs space. They split up for a while, but then Dean breaks his leg.
( At this point he wonders if it's just survival instinct. The biological imperative, to go on breathing, to see his family again. Sam. )
Part 2
This fic takes place after that hiatus, and basically goes AU from there. I wrote the first draft of it as a Christmas gift for my dear gf
gold_bluepoint, who had been feeling down about Dean's characterization and depression in the last few seasons, and particularly how scary unrelatable off the rails he seemed at the beginning of this season. So I wrote her some Dean POV domestic wincest, because at this point in the show, even before the bunker, it was clear that the logical arc was for Sam to seduce Dean into believing that he, too, could rest from the hunting life and settle down etc.So I wrote what the heart wanted.
But I'm talking too much.
The title is from this poem, Ruins:
This year will take from me
the hardened person
who I longed to be.
I am healing by mistake.
Rome is also built on ruins.
Rome Was Also Built on Ruins
Sam/Dean
NC-17
15,400 words
AU from 8.09 Citizen Fang. Spans pre-S8 to aftermath of 8.09.
Dean is messed up. Sam needs space. They split up for a while, but then Dean breaks his leg.
( At this point he wonders if it's just survival instinct. The biological imperative, to go on breathing, to see his family again. Sam. )
Part 2
an art swap thing!!
Mar. 11th, 2013 06:11 pmguys check this out, salty_catfish wants to start up this thing where you do sketches based on a theme, then the sketches get shuffled and you end up with someone else's to complete.
THIS SOUNDS SUPER COOL RIGHT??
spnartistswap
check it outttt :D
salty_catfish wants to start up this thing where you do sketches based on a theme, then the sketches get shuffled and you end up with someone else's to complete.THIS SOUNDS SUPER COOL RIGHT??
spnartistswapcheck it outttt :D
